and

this is how i feel today

excerpts

7/22/08
someone dubbed me 'sweet and low.'

8/14/08
i had to break plans tonight and run out my angst. on top of the hill, i stopped dead in my tracks and stared into a deep-red sun slowly disappearing to leave it's sky only clouds of silver lining.

sometime in october 2008

i am in my creative writing workshop. it's insanely refreshing considering last night's drawing class and the pathetic guy teaching it. it is SO cold in here, though.

'assignment #2, when do you feel most alive?'

i feel most alive when i'm laughing. when i catch up with myself in the middle of a moment where i'm doing what i want to be doing and positive. when things seem unconditionally magical or i'm genuinely happy. like the time keyla, brian and some of his friends and i rode our bikes to a tiny carnival near the lake. a lot of the time when i'm riding my bike and i feel free, maybe. or when i'm running- just in motion. when i'm trying something new. when i'm with a boy i like. or those times where i realize there isn't anywhere else i'd rather be.

i feel very alive when i make physical contact. when i become deeply intimate. having sex and using my entire body to exert everything. exposing myself as my whole person. when my mouth feels like it's ripe fruit. kissing passionately. running my hands over someone when i'm really in love rather than just lust. rather than something mistaking itself for something else.

writing workshop, october 2008

'most emotional and significant place - final'

i'm lying in this bed- staring up at a new ceiling, enclosed by different walls.

remembering us sharing this space, our skinny frames side by side in a voluntary life, seems far too distant now. light years travelled and passed. secrets and unsaid everythings are tongued into our crooked teeth. i'm thinking about this bed as an 'ours,' along hair, skin, and hardwood floors. quiet breathing and sighing; hearts pumping their little lives out beneath the wires of a ribcage.

where there was once the warmth of unconscious kisses and fucking in the darkness without speaking a word- seasons changed and our sheets grew cold. wordless still, we turned until our backs faced each other; at war building walls between us where moats should have been.

in my dreams i'm up at night to paint the house ghost white. upon waking as my eyes crack to open, your body slowly decomposes and the memories fade under the fresh coats i've been brushing.

dark to light, you're now bright and bleached out, like dawn.

12/15/08

today i saw a car literally split in half on the two freeway. the hood was entirely gone and a street lamp divorced driver and passenger. i started thinking of how fragile everything is.

how someones future can actually become erased in an accidental millisecond.

2/23/09

'realizations.' thoughts that are beginning to take shape.

i think it started with seeing the invisible children documentary. how gut-wrenching and awful is that whole situation? and it hasn't reached an ending, either. and we think of ourselves as self-obsessed... as 'inconvenienced' and 'convinced.' as rich even if we are not wealthy. as american. it makes you so disgusted in this country and grateful we're here at the same time. people who make things happen. you realize you are never going to accomplish anything alone and locked in your house like this. nothing is going to prove when you die. no orchestrated story will play out defining your patience and thought-process to your family and friends. nobody is going to know what you are thinking or what your ideas are unless you tell them. and they may not listen, then.

4/23/09

my dad said my vinyl collection is 'all over the place' and then bought me depeche mode - violator to add to it. :)

sometime in may 2009

the night i cut the earth in half.

i got dizzy spells again. maybe it has something to do with the axis or seasons? everything shifts and shapes. i think i can feel the plates moving, she said.

she said she felt her bones shaking.

6/1/09

rabbit rabbit

my hand is still pretty messed up from crashing the moped. it looks like chemicals spilled on it and burned away multiple layers of flesh. i haven't been wearing bandages to let the cuts dry out. i've been meeting people and trying not to extend my hand until i see they do, when i oblige, and wince in pain to grin and bear it.

just like everything else, i guess.

of doe's skin and petals

there is a very old man with a cowboy hat, worn boots, and steel guitar on the back of the bus, frowning. he stares at me in what i believe to be disapproval but as i leave for my stop he whispers, 'usted es hermosa.'

there is a girl leaning out the back of an ice cream truck softly telling a boy on the street her phone number. as i approach they fall even quieter, and appear caught like deer in headlights, but as i pass they rise to each other again and the boy buys a popsicle.

there is a very young child on the corner of another street. he is wearing a helmet he will grow into. he is holding a bicycle with training wheels, and a teddy bear peeks out of his handlebar basket. he says 'hello' in the smallest voice imaginable. barely audible, but he is the only thing that makes me smile today.

then there is me. i am wearing suspenders. i'm holding a large yellow flower in my left hand, and honeysuckle i try to eat with my right. but i am disassembled. and that thought echoes in my head as love seeps from all around me.

and so castles made of sand

melt
into the sea, eventually.

jimi hendrix

drain you

i would like for my body to be hooked up to an IV that feeds me all of the necessary nutrients, vitamins, water, everything that i need to keep my heart beating and other organs working properly.

i would like to sit in a hot bathtub cradling my knees while someone slowly dips a sponge in the water and then squeezes it out at the top of my neck and down my back,
at the top of my head and down my face.
and as i leave the tub they wrap a very warm and over-sized towel around me.

i would like to stop talking, so that my throat stops hurting. if i could take it out of myself and set it on a table, watch my glands and tonsils red and throbbing, aching for help, and then nurture them back to health. rub them with menthol and honey. soak them in a small jar of warm saltwater until healed. rinse and repeat.

and then i would like to sleep.

and sleep and sleep and sleep.

what would happen if i fell into a black hole?

At first, you don't feel any gravitational forces at all.
Since you're in free fall, your spaceship and every part of your body is being pulled in the same way,
so you feel weightless.

As you travel closer and closer to the center of the hole, you start to feel 'tidal' gravitational forces.
Imagine that your feet are closer to the center than your head. The gravitational pull strengthens, thus you feel a stronger pull in your feet than you do in your head.
As a result, you feel 'stretched.'

This force is called a tidal force because it is exactly like the forces that cause tides on Earth.
These tidal forces get more and more intense as you fall closer to the center,
and eventually,
they will rip you apart.

pinched kingdom

we made love to pass the time
and put each other to sleep with swords

hideaway

this is how i feel today

I watched 'Where The Wild Things Are' last night.

This song is playing during a scene where Carol takes Max to his secret cave and shows him a giant model he constructed full of stick mountains, lakes, and clay-versions of the wild things. Carol says it’s a place 'where everything you want to happen would happen.' Max thinks they could make that place a reality.

And in my reality, I almost lost it.

Everything braided together like molecules combining into an orchestrated crushing sensory overload.
I want someone to understand so very badly.

/

screenshot of the day

Somone wrote about me on Craigslist.

I don't go looking for this sort of thing, really. But the whole occurance was so odd and confusing to me that I told a friend about it the evening it happened and he said it'd probably be posted about on missed connections.

It made me feel like the world is huge and we're tiny freckles in it.
We can impact people, even strangers.

and

this is how i feel today

my bloody nose

cement head

i took an online color test today. basically you select about 7 colors from a palette and the system rates you mentally based on your selections. here's what mine said:

'You ask yourself a lot of questions and you don't find the answers. There is an aggressiveness in your heart towards yourself or someone else. You are terribly missing something or someone, and you are haunted by that thought. You feel pure and deep inside, but things are not really OK for you.'

who designed this fucked up program?

i think i decided my first album is going to be called 'internet romance'
it is going to be about heartbreak
and romance
and failed romance
it is going to be about how i want to kill myself the majority of the time i am on 'The Internet'

broken radio

i rode the bus to work this morning.
i looked out the window and thought 'i'm dead. am i dead?'
and then passed HOPE street.
i thought, 'IRONY.'

there are these lamp post flags for the philharmonic all over LA of gustavo dudamel conducting and he looks completely beside himself with the most intense bliss i think i have ever seen expressed across someones face.
i thought, 'is this what true happiness looks like?'
his curls are flying, his eyes look totally consumed, and his mouth is wide open- paused in the sharpest of moments.
invigorated with fever.

i thought, 'he didn't know his picture was being taken.'

visceral

i remember 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7am this morning

tonight's menu:

pixi334: when is chris meeting you?
ellierex: like 10 or 10:30
pixi334: oh late what are you doing until then?
ellierex: sinking into oblivion
ellierex: cutting myself
pixi334: hahah, you need to keep busy!
ellierex: ok
pixi334: not including cutting
ellierex: drinking a bottle of drano
pixi334: want to come to the art show with me?
ellierex: getting wasted and singing at a parlor like an old oblivious person
pixi334: ahahah
ellierex: believing i can flyyyy
ellierex: believing i can touch the skyyyy
ellierex: spreading my wings, every night and day
ellierex: tonight- in front of a moving train

not today, not ever

This is an unedited rough draft of something I started writing back in February and finished today.

batman woke up after an eight hour nap. originally he did not intend to sleep so long. he said to himself, 'i am bored. there is nothing to do. there is nothing. i will just take a nap.' and then passed out for eight hours.

he continued to lay in his bed. there was no reason to get up. there was no reason. he stared at the shapes in the texture of the ceiling. they looked like puzzle pieces. one of them resembled someones face. another was an elephant. fifteen minutes later he moved to his side. always the left side. he had heard once that whichever side you consistently turn to was the side you were laying on in the womb. he closed his eyes. he wondered what it would be like to remember the womb. he thought of it as red and warm. as a nest. as the most comforting place on earth.
he wished he could be there now.

he opened his eyes and stared at a lamp on his bedside table. another face appeared, reflecting off the paint. it was a real face. it was alfred.

'will you be venturing out today, master wayne? shall you need a bath drawn, sir?'

batman did not respond. there wasn't anything to say. there wasn't anything. still, he stared straight ahead. he thought about creating a new machine to induce telepathy. he and alfred could use it together and never need to speak again. alfred would always know the answer. batman reconsidered. alfred already knew the answers anyway. there was no use for this machine. there was no use. he would have to draw blueprints. he was not going to draw them.

batman spoke, 'alfred...'
'yes, master wayne?'

there was a long pause. it felt like a day had passed. a week. a month. a year.

a lifetime trapped in silence. a lull in conversation, hanging by a thread. the heaviest weight of sighing and knowing what you would like to say without ever saying it. forever. this happens. this is something that happens.

'i will leave you to rest, sir.'

the door closed softly and footsteps slowly echoed downstairs until they were no longer heard. they were no longer.

batman whispered, 'alfred... alfred...'

'alfred.'

and

this is how i feel today